I know what to do, how to do, when to do, why to do. I know how not to talk to you for years, I know how to hate your guts, I know how to make fun of you, I know how not to trust you, I know how to move on. The only knowledge I lack is to know how to Not Love you. No, I don’t know any of it. Nor do I want to. I don’t know how to keep myself from staring at your bright star like eyes, when I know that they’re the north star to this long lost ship. I don’t know how to keep myself from blushing after seeing your smile, when I know that that is the smile I would die for. I don’t know how to stop my heart from pounding at your touch, when I know that with each touch you pass on electricity to this frame of mine. I don’t know how to not let my heart fill with joys after hearing your voice, when I know you’re my favourite kind of music. I don’t know how to not be with you, when I know that you’re what Home feels like.
Not that I haven’t tried enough, not that I haven’t cried enough. Maybe, things neither happen as per our wish nor as per our will. You’re the one who keeps my demons from summoning me. So from this day on, I request you, don’t expect me to Not Love you. Cause darling, you are the love I loved the most, I lived the most.
“Why does it take so much energy for you to smile?”
‘I’ll tell you why. The world works on the principal of balance. For good there’s evil, for white there’s black, for lucky there’s unlucky and for happy there’s sad. It’s just the binary system we all taking care of. Happiness is wanted by all but received by some. It’s not rocket science and we too know that. But do you see us blaming the situations for the things that make us sad? No. We accept our sadness. It has become a part of our being.
Not all of us are ‘happy-go-lucky’ type of people. It is not that we are pessimistic or depressed. It’s just that we simply cannot smile for 24 hours a day. For the comfort of people like you we smile as much as possible. We go on trips, we party, we hang around with people and do all the things with a smile on our face. Yet, at the end of the day, the realization of the fact that we are alone is what makes us sad.
We don’t want to bother the ‘happy people’ with our perpetual sadness. We often isolate ourselves because of that. But you never understand. I don’t blame you. Nor do I envy your lifestyle. People like you are the reason why people like me smile easily when you’re around.
Maybe the mistake is ours. We bound our happiness with your temporary existence. We should understand that just like everything and everyone, you too are going to leave someday. The sooner the better, I say. The longer you stay, the more memories we create, the more you become the definition of my happiness.
Well, I guess now you’ll understand. Just like a ‘happy person’ has his low phases, a ‘sad person’ has his high phases as well. Nobody is truly happy or truly sad. It’s just the mask we are all comfortable in. Maybe you don’t like the one I wear, or I don’t like the one you wear. But who are we to judge?
Let’s just agree to disagree.’
The idea of sitting in a classroom and daydreaming seems surreal to me. Why does one need to tire his eyes in the imagery of a dream that one can actually live. Confinement can never help a person grow. The more you step out the more you explore. A dream is as real as an ambition is. Turning the dream into an ambition is what people are afraid of. One such dream that can be materialized is ‘Travelling’. Travelers don’t just explore the world. They explore themselves and always try to go beyond the realms that their horizons provide. The mundane life in which people work for 8 to 10 hours a day and still feel dejected is what scares me and is the reason why travelling inspires me. It may not fulfill my desire for worldly pleasures, but surely nourishes my soul. It takes my heart on a roller coaster ride. It is the best kind of adventure one can have. Being born and brought up in a country of such rich cultural heritage as ours expands the limits of one’s own curiosity. The prejudices that we hold towards people of a different community can only get abolished once we step out and actually become one with that community. Travelling makes our thinking liberal. It fulfills the purpose of living an extraordinary life. It guarantees that 30 years from now I will not be an old person sitting with remorse and regret thinking that “Oh, I could have done better”
In the continuous hustle called life, you tend to overlook what you are born for. The norms and expectations of society keep you from accomplishing your task in life. The chaos of routine does not give you a single minute of solitude and travelling is about nothing but solitude. Travelling gives you exposure to an infinite universe which will make you realize that you are just a finite being and all your problems are as little in the eyes of the world as you are to the mountains or oceans. It’s a huge risk but what is not? Are you sure that nothing can happen to you if you lock yourself up in a chamber with all the facilities?
I, being a traveler, know the struggle and consequences that people like me have to face. Trust me, this life I seek, is worth more than a hundred taunts that people inflict upon me. The world may be huge to all but for me, it is small and it doesn’t need a superhuman to conquer it.
Listen to what these walls speak
They were given ears
For a cause free
If needs be, they tell stories
Too ruthless for heart to believe,
Too violent for eyes to see
Too chaotic for mind to bear.
Keep quiet in front of the winds,
In a fit of boredom
They gossip with trees.
As the forest catches fire
So do the dark secrets flee
Dark heart of the woods
Doth make the moon to glow.
Sometimes you just know it’s not going to work out as you wished. You had fallen for a terrible guy who knows the magical spells. He speaks nonsensical words in enchanting ways. You’re sure that he is a thug and one day he is going to run away with everything you have. His eyes are mysterious, they connote troubles already. But there is something about the way he smiles, it drains out those thoughts. To define his smile in words would defame the rest of the earthly smiles. He has got one of those smiles that fills your heart up and feels like a bliss. His smile is just the cure for all the unjust problems.
You can never feel the way he makes you to. Though you do know that it’s a situation where ‘Happily Ever After’ with him is nothing but an illusion. But then again, as long as the illusions exist you want to dwell and submerge into that one. Out of the billion wrongs he does, a single right is all that matters to you. The single right of making you feel good about yourself, making you to fall in love with yourself, believe in yourself, and that somehow equalises all his wrongs.
You know that you can feel his presence on those days when it rains or when it’s wintery. You see his shadow in places where you’ve been together. He has crept in. Inside of your head, he’s the one that sleeps and dances with your demons. He matures in the darkest corners of your heart. He has befriended your demons, he has loved them, cherished them. He accepts you as you are and not a single thing would he ever want to change about you. In this dynamic world of changing personalities he wants you to remain static.
You know that it may all be just in your head, maybe he’s not real, maybe it’s just the way you see him. Maybe you’ve constructed him with bits and pieces of all your favourite characters. Maybe he’s just a reflection of your expectations and the incarnation of your positive thoughts. There’s no future, no hope, nothing but love. The rational part of your mind knows everything that had been done and that’s been going on. Perhaps that is what being ‘Hopelessly in Love’ feels like. There is no going back. You feel hopeless and you are in love- all at the same time.
It is my childhood
I miss the most.
Making small sand castles
and beautiful fairies with snow.
Lord! Where did my childhood go?
Dirty tiny hands clapping
for things that were fun.
Little fingers crossed to make the vow.
Lord! Where did my childhood go?
Little feet taking the big steps
Just to jump another staircase.
When all were friends, not a single foe.
Lord! Where did my childhood go?
Little eyes sparkling bright,
And the smile was so wide.
I am asking this with a deep woe.
Lord! Where did my childhood go?
Broken words uttered in lisping manner,
Often justifying the silly lies.
Memories are making me feel low.
Where did my childhood go?
When did my childhood go?
I am a writer, you know. My job is to write. I will antagonize you or make you my hero as per my will. My stories are not always circumstantial. I create things. I exaggerate the beauty of what I love. I act ignorantly if I want to hide something. You’ll only see things that I want you to see. You’ll only see things how I want you to see.
I’ll question God and His existence and you, you my logical friend, will take it for blasphemy. I’ll build castles without even touching a brick, I’ll create catastrophe in the brightest of days, I’ll make animals speak, I’ll make the blind to explain the beauty of night, I’ll tell the life story of a stillborn baby, only if I wish. I’ll make the world go upside down. I hold the power to control your mind and emotions beyond your awareness.
I will write without caring for the audience. I will write about love, I will write about sex, I will write about periods, I will write about masturbation. I will write about the beauty of the homosexual affairs, I will write about the pros of bisexuality. I will write in favor of the eunuchs. I will write about the tabooed things. I will allow my pen to break the silence of the society. I will touch the decent and non-decent issues. I will write in a controversial manner. I will write things that will make you to raise your eyebrows, or maybe cringe with disgust.
You may or may not see me talking much. I don’t get comfortable with people very often. That does not mean I lack confidence that does not mean I have got nothing to say. I crave for intellectual conversations. I can talk for hours with someone who feeds my brain, or nourishes my soul.
I like looking at natural things. I like the Sun, the Moon, the Stars, the Mountains, the Sky, the Oceans or whatever, whatever that makes me feel that my problems are not as grand as I think of them. I use all my senses before I write something. I see things happening before explaining its beauty, I feel the air before saying it’s swift, I smell the flowers before calling them sweet, I taste bitter things before calling them delicious, I hear the voices of universe before creating a cosmic scene.
Write. That’s what I, and people like me do. We don’t think before we write, we feel before we write. I am a writer, my friend. That’s what I am.